Part of me.....

Part of me wants to die, part of me wants to walk away and forget, and this part - my voice - needs to speak.

In the last four days my life has changed forever. When I started to become aware of my surroundings again reality seemed to spiral out of control even more than in the delirium of my fever. Graham, David and Libby all came down with the "flu" on Tuesday. The word flu doesn't remotely capture the horror of what we're going through. Flu is something you have, miss a few days of work, and then get on with your lives, but not in this world.

When I got out of my bed for the first time on Wednesday I went through to Graham, who was in Kirsty's room. His was face was blue, he had to reach beyond himself for every breath and his temperature seemed to be consuming him from within. Two hours later Graham died in my arms - drowning in his own lungs.

The army came this morning and removed him in a bodybag - I remember seeing them from Vietnam - soldiers being carried out of helicopters like slabs of meat. My husband, my man, us - gone.

David and Libby seem to be getting better....I'm sitting here typing this and not believing it.....I'll wake up tomorrow and it won't have happened....please let me wake up......