Guilt

I never slept last night. Ironic really given my plea in my last post to wake up. The kids are very ill but neither of them are having breathing difficulties like Kirsty or Graham. I'm keeping them going with plenty of fluids and Paracetemols although they still don't know about their Dad.

I watched the news in the middle of the night and it seems like the infection rate is way above what had been expected, even in the worst case scenarios, and it's still nowhere near the peak that they expect to happen in 4 or 5 weeks. The infection is following the same sort of pattern as the 1918 pandemic with the 20-40 age range being the worst hit. In the Edinburgh area alone there have been 50,000 cases with nearly 15,000 deaths so far.

I can't leave the house as there's a possibility that I could still pass on the infection. The reality is that I still feel incredibly weak and couldn't think of walking any distance. Not that I would be able to drive anywhere as the petrol stations don't have any petrol for non-emergency service users - the drivers from Grangemouth are all sick.

I phoned mum this afternoon and she seems fine. Her neighbour is leaving shopping at her door and she spends her day watching the telly and completing jigsaws. I told her about Graham but the fact that the kids were OK overcame her shock. I phoned Graham's mum's residential home but couldn't get anyone to answer. She hasn't heard the news and I was almost relieved not to be able to speak to her.

Alison phoned me this evening and told me how the school is gradually closing down. Fewer and fewer staff are turning up every day and no-one is taking charge.

My over-riding emotion is one of guilt - I've survived - and so many haven't - but why? From now on I'm safe whereas all those thousands of people who have yet to be exposed must be living in real fear.

I took a call from an undertakers that they had been asked by the local authority to bury Graham in a temporary grave. I was strangely detached from what they were saying and all I could do was agree. I can't even remember where they said it was now.

I've made a decision - as long as the kids are alright on Monday I'm going to go to work. We can't just sit around and let things happen to us!