Stress? Before the outbreak I used to think I was stressed. Rushing around with the kids; marking homework; managing behaviour; completing mindless paperwork; keeping the house - they all contributed to what I thought were high levels of stress. How wrong I was! With the benefit of hindsight I now realise that they were completely stress free. My favourite recurring dream is thinking of us all around the house, trying to get ready for the day: snatching breakfast on the move; fighting over the bathroom; helping with last minute homework; and a quick kiss before we all went on our way. It's after this dream that waking up is such a nightmare.
Stress now takes the form of whether or not we will have enought to eat; will we have power to heat the house; will kids turn up at school tomorrow or die in their homes. The images from yesterday keep flashing back and trigger so many of my own pictures that I've been trying to keep suppressed. So how am I managing - especially when I thought I was near my stress threshold in my past life? It's a recurring question and one which makes me wonder what I might have been able to achieve if I had only known I'd had all this spare capacity within me.
At least in this world there are no trivial complaints - "no one has cleaned my room", "My photocopying is late", "I hate Class 3B". I think we all quietly realise how lucky we are to be here and although it's never spoken we just accept our situation and focus upon making the best of it - come to think of it I've never heard a complaint since we opened the school.
Wednesday 19 March 2008
Monday 17 March 2008
Two lives collide
In the unfolding drama of every day my own loss can sometimes disappear. I enjoy those times, and for all that the challenges that I face every day are distressing, I like the all consuming nature of the activity. It’s only really in the emptiness of my own bed when I wake in the middle of the night – which I do without exception at 2.30am - that my nightmare takes on proportions that I cannot manage.
Yet today these two separate lives came crashing together when we had to deal with the death of a young child.
Our support teams had been making their normal round of visits when they were asked to visit a home that had until then been thought to be unoccupied. Usually they would wait for the police or a social service support person but they tried the door and found it open. The group was made up of seven kids and one adult and they had been delivering food and making social visits to their regulars when one of those people had mentioned that they thought there was still a family in the top flat of the building. Up until that time we had believed it to be empty as another neighbour had said they had seen the family leaving at the beginning of the outbreak.
James Osbourne, the leader of the group had entered the flat and found the mother and the father both dead in their beds. A young child – 4 or 5 yrs of age - was lying in the living room still alive but obviously suffering from severe malnutrition. James had called me and I had rushed round immediately after I had phoned the ambulance service. As I made my way round to the flat part of me kept telling me to take my time – my legs were heavy and reluctant – if only the ambulance could arrive before me.
As I turned the corner my heart sank as I saw no sign of an ambulance – I hadn’t really expected it – the emergency services were still overwhelmed, even though the outbreak was slowing down. I’d dragged myself upstairs and found the kids waiting outside on the landing – at least James had kept them out.
When I entered the flat I was met by the stench of rotting human flesh (it’s a smell I now recognise only too well). James was sitting on the floor trying to get the child to drink some water but it was obvious that there was so little we could do. James passed the boy to me and I sat there stroking his matted blond hair from his forehead as I and lied to him that everything was going o be alright. James was relieved to leave the house and went downstairs to wait for the ambulance. I sat there for nearly two hours speaking and stroking as the boy lay there in my arms. He stopped breathing very peacefully - as if he’d simply forgotten to take another breath. I laid him on the sofa, kissed him on the forehead and went to leave the room only to be drawn back to wait beside him until the ambulance eventually arrived.
Yet today these two separate lives came crashing together when we had to deal with the death of a young child.
Our support teams had been making their normal round of visits when they were asked to visit a home that had until then been thought to be unoccupied. Usually they would wait for the police or a social service support person but they tried the door and found it open. The group was made up of seven kids and one adult and they had been delivering food and making social visits to their regulars when one of those people had mentioned that they thought there was still a family in the top flat of the building. Up until that time we had believed it to be empty as another neighbour had said they had seen the family leaving at the beginning of the outbreak.
James Osbourne, the leader of the group had entered the flat and found the mother and the father both dead in their beds. A young child – 4 or 5 yrs of age - was lying in the living room still alive but obviously suffering from severe malnutrition. James had called me and I had rushed round immediately after I had phoned the ambulance service. As I made my way round to the flat part of me kept telling me to take my time – my legs were heavy and reluctant – if only the ambulance could arrive before me.
As I turned the corner my heart sank as I saw no sign of an ambulance – I hadn’t really expected it – the emergency services were still overwhelmed, even though the outbreak was slowing down. I’d dragged myself upstairs and found the kids waiting outside on the landing – at least James had kept them out.
When I entered the flat I was met by the stench of rotting human flesh (it’s a smell I now recognise only too well). James was sitting on the floor trying to get the child to drink some water but it was obvious that there was so little we could do. James passed the boy to me and I sat there stroking his matted blond hair from his forehead as I and lied to him that everything was going o be alright. James was relieved to leave the house and went downstairs to wait for the ambulance. I sat there for nearly two hours speaking and stroking as the boy lay there in my arms. He stopped breathing very peacefully - as if he’d simply forgotten to take another breath. I laid him on the sofa, kissed him on the forehead and went to leave the room only to be drawn back to wait beside him until the ambulance eventually arrived.
Sunday 16 March 2008
Learning how to lead
I don't think I have ever really appreciated what it is to be a leader. As I've said many times before, I've never been one to push myself to the front and take the lead - at any time in my life. But over the last few months I seem to have arrived at a point where there seems to be little alternative.
The last week has been one of the most challenging of my life and if I hadn't actively led I'm convinced it would have been much, much worse.
The death, loss and general dispair has been compounded by the lack of fresh food - but without any doubt the worst thing has been the loss of power. At least with power we had some semblance of civilisation and felt connected to what was going on around the world, but we have had no radio, television or computer access for eight days as the three day power supply never materialised. Such isolation seemed to change how we reacted towards each other in our new community and the assembly idea, which we had depended on since the beginning, just broke down into squabbles and trivial arguments. It came to head on Wednesday when two adults started to fight each other in front of the kids. I stopped the meeting and launched into speech. I don't know wher it all came from but it had been festering inside me for a few weeks.
I tried to remain calm and made a series of points about how we would only survive if we kept together as community and not as a collection of separate individuals. I backed up my speech with stories from history which showed how human beings could do incredible things if they worked together. The key to the success of all of these achievements was that people worked as one - but as one of the group said it was also a feature of such successes that there was strong leadership. This led us into a discussion where it became apparent that the group wanted more explicit leadership - they felt that they trusted me but that I was "paralysed" by always wanting to discuss everything with the group. They wanted me to make decisions and to explain them but to see them through.
And so our commitment to democratic leadership came to an end. Since Wednesday things have changed so much for the better that I can hardly believe it. I now meet with two of the adults and two of the kids every morning for half an hour and we plan out the day. We then meet as a community and we give out the tasks and programme for the day - so much of this has been to support the local community - we've put learning on hold. Our community kitchen is still in operation and we can cook with the gas cookers. Each small group has taken on responsibility for a street and they spend their time in threes going around and visiting those in need.
The arguments have stopped and I've had to steel myself to stand up to individual challenges from one or two oeople who have disagreed with what we have been doing. The greatest challenge came on Friday afternoon when I had to ask two adults to leave the community if they wern't happy. They did leave but came back an hour later apologising and committing themselves to the community. The lesson for me has been important - a leader must be strong - even if inside you are on the verge of crumbling - I was so close to giving way to them during the meeting but the outcome from sticking with the decison has been that we are so much stronger.
The good news is that the electricity supply should now be back to normal.
The last week has been one of the most challenging of my life and if I hadn't actively led I'm convinced it would have been much, much worse.
The death, loss and general dispair has been compounded by the lack of fresh food - but without any doubt the worst thing has been the loss of power. At least with power we had some semblance of civilisation and felt connected to what was going on around the world, but we have had no radio, television or computer access for eight days as the three day power supply never materialised. Such isolation seemed to change how we reacted towards each other in our new community and the assembly idea, which we had depended on since the beginning, just broke down into squabbles and trivial arguments. It came to head on Wednesday when two adults started to fight each other in front of the kids. I stopped the meeting and launched into speech. I don't know wher it all came from but it had been festering inside me for a few weeks.
I tried to remain calm and made a series of points about how we would only survive if we kept together as community and not as a collection of separate individuals. I backed up my speech with stories from history which showed how human beings could do incredible things if they worked together. The key to the success of all of these achievements was that people worked as one - but as one of the group said it was also a feature of such successes that there was strong leadership. This led us into a discussion where it became apparent that the group wanted more explicit leadership - they felt that they trusted me but that I was "paralysed" by always wanting to discuss everything with the group. They wanted me to make decisions and to explain them but to see them through.
And so our commitment to democratic leadership came to an end. Since Wednesday things have changed so much for the better that I can hardly believe it. I now meet with two of the adults and two of the kids every morning for half an hour and we plan out the day. We then meet as a community and we give out the tasks and programme for the day - so much of this has been to support the local community - we've put learning on hold. Our community kitchen is still in operation and we can cook with the gas cookers. Each small group has taken on responsibility for a street and they spend their time in threes going around and visiting those in need.
The arguments have stopped and I've had to steel myself to stand up to individual challenges from one or two oeople who have disagreed with what we have been doing. The greatest challenge came on Friday afternoon when I had to ask two adults to leave the community if they wern't happy. They did leave but came back an hour later apologising and committing themselves to the community. The lesson for me has been important - a leader must be strong - even if inside you are on the verge of crumbling - I was so close to giving way to them during the meeting but the outcome from sticking with the decison has been that we are so much stronger.
The good news is that the electricity supply should now be back to normal.
Sunday 9 March 2008
Black out
I'm sorry I've been away for so long but the situation here has deteriorated rapidly over the last ten days. It started off with a power cut which came without any warning. The power only returned this morning - it's been a combination of a lack of oil and gas, and problem with some of the nuclear plants. I've been following the situation on the radio but it's all been so vague.
We have now been assured that we will get electricity for three days out five and that all power will be cut off between the hours of 10.30pm and 8.am.
We've tried to keep the school running throughout this time but without power the oil central heating hasn't been working so we've had to make do with a supply of gas heaters. The kids have taken it really badly as they've been cut off from the internet for longer than any other time in their lives. It's caused a lot of frustration and we've even had a couple of fights between kids - which have been very upsetting. We've tried to keep lessons going but our plans had depended to such an extent on on-line learning that we've had to go back to the drawing board.
I've got to go now as we have to get ready for the power going off. There's lots to update you with what's been happening over the last week.
We have now been assured that we will get electricity for three days out five and that all power will be cut off between the hours of 10.30pm and 8.am.
We've tried to keep the school running throughout this time but without power the oil central heating hasn't been working so we've had to make do with a supply of gas heaters. The kids have taken it really badly as they've been cut off from the internet for longer than any other time in their lives. It's caused a lot of frustration and we've even had a couple of fights between kids - which have been very upsetting. We've tried to keep lessons going but our plans had depended to such an extent on on-line learning that we've had to go back to the drawing board.
I've got to go now as we have to get ready for the power going off. There's lots to update you with what's been happening over the last week.
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